notes from the nice side of the fence

 

what. the fuck. 

what the fuck. am I doing here. 

this is not for me. why now? everything was going so well. I’m missing out on life back home. parties. holidays. friends. family. fun. 

why this? why a week-long meditation course in some godforsaken kibbutz? 

am I that desperate? 

am I that clueless? 

so distrusting of myself I would tear away from everything I love just for another empty promise of salvation? 

this is not for me. I already know this stuff. I could be doing this on my own. I could be doing this better. quicker. without having to sit on a pillow for a whole fucking week doing nothing. this is a waste of time. 

I wanna switch on my mobile. I wanna sing. I wanna go back home. 

 

and then what?

 

then?… then I would carry on with my life. I’d be playing my music. take responsibility. I’d ask that guy out, like, on a real old-fashioned date. movie and dinner. he’s cute. we’d laugh. 

 

and then what? 

 

we’d rapidly get closer. after a couple of weeks sleeping alone would be unimaginable. I’d feel empowered and safe. I’d grow out of my annoying, needy, clingy, childish little habits. it would be like that actress in that interview I read years ago, who talked about how before meeting her partner she was like a kite and now she’s like a jet engine. I’d be a jet engine. 

 

and then what? 

 

life would be clear. I would be relaxed. I would stop biting my nails. 

I’d write more. I’d start performing again. raving reviews. my friends would love me more. I’d be more giving, more present when I’m with them. 

 

and then what? 

 

I’d do all those things I’d always been afraid of doing. I’d go backpacking with my boyfriend all over the world. big business meetings. family confrontations. fearless. I’d never postpone another phonecall, ever. I would live in the moment, utterly and completely. I’d find wisdom, and flow, and peace. 

 

and then what? 

 

then?… 

I guess then - I guess at some point something Bad would happen. 

my boyfriend would leave me. or someone would die. I’d get sick. or just addicted to something. I might lose all my money. 

 

and then what? 

 

I’d hurt. I’d be lost. I would be disillusioned with everything I’d been doing and just stop. I would see how foolish I’d been, to trust such transient things. maybe move in with my parents again. start watching TV. 

 

and then what?

 

my self-esteem would suffer greatly. I’d be snappy and cruel. I wouldn’t know how to explain it - everything was going so well. I’d be furious with myself for giving up so easily, but it would be useless - I’d already had it all and I’d ruined it. I’d try to cut off from my past. lose touch with old friends. go offline. sell my piano. 

 

and then what? 

 

once I find the energy, I would start looking for answers. a way to come back to something that resembles life. even a different life. anything. but every step I take in whatever direction would be painful. I’d be so distrusting, so clueless. I would attack people trying to help. I would write off every therapy offered, every opportune vacation. I’d seen life. I’d seen the pain. I know myself. that stuff is for desperate people. for people who don’t know.  

 

and then what?

 

at one point or another something would slip my guards. someone would grab be by the hand, and I’d be like, “whatever”. I’d arrive in a place with no distractions, no drugs, no alcohol. nowhere to run to. I’d be too exhausted to criticize others there. I’d be crying my eyes out one night, realizing what I’d forgotten - that I can only have a home in me. I can only find security inside. and that it’s always there. I would join the others, trying to rebuild my mind. forgive myself. make it a place I can live in, regardless of what happens on the outside. it would be, maybe, like a retreat. a vipassana.  

 

you mean, kinda like what you’re doing right now? 

 

um. yeah. 

 

well guess what. 

 

 

 

in dedication to Simi, Yonatan and Stephen, the wonderful teachers at Tovana. 

 

Tags: mind, vipassana

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