self-inquiry: homelessness
the following is a personal example of a process of self-inquiry using the four questions and turnaround that make up a method called The Work of Byron Katie. this method is used on thought patterns that I can identify as bringing some kind of stress into my life. the questions are simple, and the answers come from careful introspection and meditation rather than from logic and judgment. the turnarounds are not a way of seeking to void my thinking, but rather to explore aspects of reality that I have been neglecting that may relax my attachment to my own painful stories. for more information on this, visit www.thework.com
“having more than one home is like having none.”
1. is it true?
yes. once you’ve gone and lived abroad and then come back, there’s always gonna be something missing, always a part of you not here. that’s what happened to me.
2. “having more than one home is like having none.” can you absolutely know that it’s true?
…well, not really. in the sense that, I can’t really know that adopting a new home was the problem to begin with. I was anxious about staying in one place long before I did that. so no, I can’t absolutely know that “having more than one home is like having none”.
3. so how do you react when you believe the thought “having more than one home is like having none”? what happens?
basically, I get bitter. I have this image of myself as a tortured traveler, like Lot’s wife - leaving loved ones behind, never being able to look back despite herself. I get on this ego-trip that somehow homelessness and restlessness is my calling, it’s my nature, as if it were the inevitable downside of my gifts and talents.
when I have this thought, I treat other people as if they have something I can never have - a real home. and that usually means either admiration or envy, or a mix of both. sometimes I get really mad at people I love who settle down in homes and in relationships, because it looks to me like they’re flaunting. I can see how in the past I put distance between me and people I love for this reason, and then secretly blamed them for it saying they got “mellow” or “boring”. I then try to get close to people who are more “like me”, people who have no roots, no attachments. but there’re very few of them and although we can have fun together, ultimately I feel like they cannot give me what I need, which is a real home, so I go back to the “normal” people. the effects of this confusion is that I don’t get very close to anyone in either groups. I guess this means that I’m also judging people by their level of homelessness, I’m measuring their attachments to see if they can help me or not. I become obsessed with how dependent or independent people around me are, and myself.
when I believe this thought, I feel this detachment in my body. I feel like I have nothing to stand on, like something floating, disconnected from life force. this feels like lightheadedness, a difficulty to focus on one thing. I also feel this lethargy, this heaviness in my limbs. tired.
I get really angry at people like employers, therapists and musicians that require of me to stay in one place if I wanna work with them. I have the thought that I can’t stay in one place because I’m innately homeless, and that they’re not being flexible, brave or spiritual enough to accommodate my needs. I think about governments and travel agents and get furious with the world for making it so hard to move from one place to another. I feel like I want to be in two places at the same time, I feel like I wanna do everything at the same time, cook and do laundry and write emails and rest and work all at the same time. I can’t focus, I get tired.
I regret choices I made in the past. “if only I didn’t run away at 19 looking for other homes, I would be happier and more secure now”. I criticize myself and think I’m a coward. I get really sad and guilty. I don’t get too close to anyone, because I don’t want to disappoint them once I have to go again. I also don’t want to feel the pain of that. I spend a lot of time alone. I have thoughts like “I only have me to rely on, nobody else”. I see my needs for love and affection as a weakness.
essentially, my life with this thought feels like stumbling blind through endless dark corridors while everybody else is dining at the grand ballroom.
4. who would you be without the thought “having more than one home is like having none”?
someone who has friends in many different parts of the world. someone well-travelled. somebody not obsessed with the concept of “home”.
without this thought, I’d be more open to the joy of traveling, of moving around, of meeting new people. I love doing those things. I would feel less like a victim, and more grateful for all the amazing opportunities that have come into my life. I see myself smiling more, connecting with people easily and immediately. I wouldn’t always be trying to decide whether a particular place can be a home for me or not. I wouldn’t project so much into the future. when I’m in London, I would not see myself and all other immigrants as having some kind of shared fate that other people don’t understand. I would meet all people without fear. I would not see people who assimilate into other cultures as fake or lacking in any way. I would be more accepting of people and of where they are. I would be less confused about where I wanna be and what I wanna do, and I would not agonize so much over things I am supposedly missing or sacrificing. I would be more at ease with myself, more at home.
turn the thought around:
>> having more than one home is not like having none.
how can I measure “home” in the first place? it’s not about ownership of a house, or having a particular number of friends, or knowing the language, or having a visa, or spending a number of years in the same place. ultimately, being home is a feeling. a feeling that I deprive myself whenever I believe this ideology that would have me testing and counting my so-called “homes”.
plus, many people seem to be dividing their time between more than one home without too much trouble. so in this I can see how I had that same expectation of myself, perhaps at a time when I was not ready to do that comfortably. that doesn’t mean that having multiple homes will not work for me in the future. the confusion around my experience also does not mean I do not have multiple genuine homes already. I was just a little hard on myself there.
>> having more than one home is like being home everywhere.
yes, that is closer to my experience. from my travels I learnt how to let people walk in and out of my life without force, and how to pick up where I left with anyone even after years apart. I also saw that no matter where I went in the world and no matter who I met, I was always meeting myself, always confronting myself in everything that I did. so in that sense I have always been home - it wasn’t even a choice. it just isn’t always such a nice place to be…
that feeling of being home comes from a place of trust and confidence - the confidence that everything is will be fine. it’s only then that I can approach people with an open heart, and then the communication that follows only feeds back into that trust, that being home, being here, completely safe.
