notes from the nice side of the fence

in my thoughts I travel today to one of the first boys I ever kissed.

not the first one. my thoughts don’t like going there.

but one of the first.

I wore a collar shirt that comfortably hid the hair on the back of my neck. I drove.

we sat on the lawn in a quiet park in a small Israeli town. it’s amazing how few of the details I seem to remember. few images. we talked about something pseudo-philosophical, my horses of sexual insecurity probably tugging the conversation is such convenient directions. I had more hair on my head back then, and less on the rest of my body. the longer the words I was trying to use were getting, the closer we edged towards each other. I don’t recall being scared. I had a strong confidence in my ability to muzzle my sexuality and lock it in a cage, you know, just in case it made me do or say something that could be seen to be… vulgar? animalistic? passionate? out of order. but I wasn’t getting my way this time.

“I don’t wanna wait anymore. can I?… -”

and at this, his head moved towards mine, and lips met, and even though my mind was still racing (where should I put my hand? what is he going to do next? what is he thinking about?), it was too late: the beast had been unleashed. and it was heaven. it was brilliance.

*

here’s how it works for me, sometimes: I start the day, no clothes. mirror. I cannot see something I consider sexy. so instead I zoom in on features I deem redundant. a zit. a hair. a small mound of fat. then, clothes on. mirror. I look at my face. I like my face. smile. go out.

I meet someone. we drink some wine, or not. clothes come off again. and, sometimes, he says: “wow. you’re so sexy…”

and I smile and I cuddle and I’m grateful. I make happy. “you’re sexy too.”

and all the time, in my head, it’s like - “liar!”. or worse - “stupid!”. not always entirely consciously. but it’s there. because, if someone defies my own judgment they must be either or both. and since it is my own judgment it’s also inevitably the better judgment - simply because, unlike the judgments of others, I have no choice but to believe my own. they’re mine. I make them. and mirrors don’t lie, mirrors aren’t stupid. I know what my mirror says in the morning. nevermind that mirrors never really say anything. only my mind ever does.

such are the powers of dictatorship.

Tags: mind, sex

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